It
used to be that if you wanted to teach kids about capitalism, you’d
tell them to open a lemonade stand. By producing a product, marketing
it, and selling it, they would get a small taste of what it is like to
run a business.
But
now telling your kids to open a lemonade stand is the best way of
teaching them about socialism, not capitalism. First, tell your kids to
open a lemonade stand. Watch as they make lemonade, paint a sign, and
move a table and chairs and a pitcher and cups to your front lawn.
Then
let them sell for a few minutes unimpeded. Then come along and tell
them you're from the Department of Agriculture, and want to see where
the calorie count for their products are posted. If there is no calorie
count, take 25% of what they have earned as a fine.
Then
leave them alone for a few minutes and come back and ask if they are
aware that they are violating child labor laws. When they tell you they
are unaware, take 25% of what they have remaining as a fine.
Then
come back a few minutes later and ask for the environmental impact
statement for their lemonade stand. When they ask what that is, explain
that before stand can be allowed to open, you have to study whether the
ants under their feet or the squirrels in the trees above them are
discomfited by the lemonade stand. If you notice any ice cubes melting
on the ground to form a little puddle, say that is wetlands and can be
regulated by the EPA as well. Assess a 25% fine of what they have left.
Then
come back a little while later and ask if they have been investing in
healthcare for their employees, and withholding money for social
security and Medicare. If they haven't, assess a 25% penalty.
Then
come back a little while later and ask why there are no girls working
there. Or if there are girls, ask why there are no blacks. Or if there
are blacks, ask why no Hispanics. If there are Hispanics, ask why no
gays. If there are gay kids, ask why no transgendered. Say that the
absence of one group is evidence of discrimination, and assess a 25%
fine.
Then
leave them alone for a few minutes and set up a competing lemonade
stand right next to them, with the sign "Luis Gutierrez Lemonade, 5
cents". When the kids ask what you are doing tell them you are an
illegal alien come to this country to compete for their jobs. If they
start crying tell them that crying about it is racist and they could be
fined.
At
the end of the day count how much they have earned remaining after all
your fines and take 50% of it. When they ask why, say it is for federal,
state, and sales taxes. Explain that it was not they who sold the
lemonade, but the government, who made the roads and sidewalks by which
people came to buy it, and that they, the small business owner, are the
"rich", and need to pay their fair share.
After
all this is said and done, ask your kids if they identify more with the
producers of lemonade, or the government inspectors. Then you will have
explained socialism to them.
